Will You Peel My Orange? Bids for Connection in the Couple’s Relationship

Will You Peel My Orange? Bids for Connection in the Couple’s Relationship

Written By: Erin Blair, MS

You may have seen the viral TikTok trends about oranges and birds only to wonder what that has to do with the strength of your relationship. “Orange peel theory” and “bird theory” are both real life examples of the famous research study by relationship expert,
John Gottman. After observing thousands of couples in his lab, he found that the couples with the greatest long-term success had one major thing in common: how they responded to bids for connection. A bid for connection can be something as simple as asking your partner to peel an orange or look at the interesting bird outside but often they are an indicator of much deeper aspects of the relationship like shared values, dreams, and desires.

What Gottman noticed is that couples who were happiest (and stayed together) responded consistently to bids for connection from their partner and responded with genuine interest and curiosity. This showed each partner’s willingness to learn and understand more about their partner during regular day-to-day interactions. He called this “turning towards” the bid for connection. Couples who were less satisfied with their relationship often ignored bids (“turning away”) or responded with disinterest or even hostility (“turning against”).

In his research, Gottman discovered that “master couples” (those who stayed together and were satisfied in their relationship) responded by turning towards their partner 86% of the time while “disaster couples” (those who experienced high conflict and eventually ended their relationship) turned towards the bid only 33% of the time. This research was groundbreaking because it highlighted that the majority of the work in the relationship happens in small, everyday moments. Not extravagant date nights, vacations or gifts but asking your partner whether they had a good day at work and actually listening to their response.

It may seem simple and straightforward to respond when your partner asks a question or tries to engage you in a conversation. However, bids for connection require emotional attunement and vulnerability on both sides. Let’s look at some examples of turning against, turning away and turning towards. 

Turning Against

Becca: Hey, I’m thinking about looking for a new job. You know how unhappy I’ve been at this one.

Alex: Oh jeez, not again! I swear you can’t stay at a job for more than six months. Do you know how stressful it is for me when you’re constantly switching jobs?

In this example, Becca is receiving the message that her partner is not a safe person to discuss her dreams and concerns with. She will likely internalize the concept that showing vulnerability is stressful to her partner and she should keep these thoughts to herself which prevents Alex from understanding his partner. Not only will Becca refrain from making bids for connection in the future but it’s likely she will make decisions without informing her partner which can lead to even more conflict.

While Alex is able to clearly assert his needs in the situation (a desire for stability), the hostility he used to communicate will likely keep Becca from fully understanding his fears and create defensiveness instead. Because Becca will probably respond to Alex with a focus on defending herself, the original issue (looking for a new job) will remain unaddressed and both parties will leave the interaction feeling misunderstood.

Turning Away

Becca: Hey, I’m thinking about looking for a new job. You know how unhappy I’ve been at this one.

Alex: Uh-huh… did you remember to get mustard at the store this week?

In this example, Becca is not receiving hostility but the concerns about her current job are being ignored. While this might not create a conflict in the moment the way that “turning against” can, this type of response will lead to a build-up in resentment. Over time, Becca will internalize that her needs are irrelevant and her attempts at building intimacy are not worthwhile.

Alex may not realize that he is ignoring an important interaction because he is distracted. We all experience moments where our partner is trying to connect with us and we have our attention elsewhere. This is where Gottman suggests utilizing a “repair bid” or a follow-up question from the partner who initially ignored the bid. Repair bids are an attempt to turn towards our partner when we missed the first request for connection and go a long way in reducing resentment over time.

Turning Towards

Becca: Hey, I’m thinking about looking for a new job. You know how unhappy I’ve been at this one.

Alex: I know this job hasn’t turned out the way you’ve hoped. What kind of new jobs are you considering? 

It’s important to highlight a few aspects of what makes Alex’s response a good one:

• Validation: Alex starts out by validating his partner’s feelings about her current job. Not only is he providing reassurance that it’s okay she doesn't enjoy her current job but that she is safe to share negative emotions with him
• Emotional Attunement: Learning that Becca is unhappy at work is not a surprise to Alex. He implies that the couple has had conversations about this topic previously and Alex is fully attuned to his partner’s feelings about her workplace.
• Positive Regard: Alex’s response is illustrating that things Becca has shared in the past are important to him. When we show our partners that their fears, anxieties and concerns are valuable to us, it furthers that sense of safety and encourages them to share more frequently. 
• Curiosity: Rather than problem solving or trying to make suggestions for how Becca could be happier at her current job, Alex asks her an open-ended question. This shows a genuine curiosity for learning more about what Becca wants and also allows Alex to gather more information about where his partner is at in their own process. 
• Openness: It is very likely that Alex has his own feelings about his partner switching jobs but he utilizes an open and non-judgmental response to give the couple a chance to have a constructive conversation. Often couples worry that if they don’t voice all of their concerns right away, they won’t get the chance. In practice, the opposite is true. As we can see here, Alex is holding off on passing judgment and allowing Becca to share which in turn will make her more open to hearing his concerns further into the conversation.

Once we start to notice how we are responding to our partner’s bids for connection, we can begin turning towards them with more intention. Your partner might say, “Hey, did you see that bright red cardinal?” when they actually mean “Hey, are you paying attention to things that are interesting to me? Do my experiences matter to you? Do you see me and enjoy who I really am?” Learning to respond to these questions at the heart of the bid will strengthen the foundation of the relationship and ultimately lead to a happier, longer-lasting bond for both partners.

If you are interested in couples counseling, call OakHeart at 630-570-0050 or 779-201-6440 or email us at [email protected]. We have counselors, psychologists, and social workers available to help you at one of our locations in North Aurora, IL, Sycamore, IL, and/or via Telehealth Online Therapy Services serving Kane County, DeKalb County, Dupage County, and beyond.