Helpful Considerations for Infertility Newcomers

Helpful Considerations for Infertility Newcomers

Written by Erin Mitchell, MSW, LCSW

If you are new to the concept of infertility or infertility treatment, this post is for you.  Infertility is defined as a disease characterized by the failure to establish a clinical pregnancy after 12 months of regular, unprotected sexual intercourse or due to an impairment of a person’s capacity to reproduce either as an individual or with their partner.  Infertility can also refer to a person’s inability to sustain a pregnancy to term.  Not all couples have to wait the full year before seeking treatment, as there are other factors that can decrease that timeline.

It’s important to understand that infertility is something that is far more common than most people think. 1 in 8 couples have difficulty getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy to term.

One of the reasons that it feels so uncommon is because many people choose not to talk about their infertility diagnosis and experience; however, it really is more widespread than most imagine.  A couple ages 29 to 33 years old with a normal functioning reproductive system has only a 20-25% chance of conceiving in any given month (National Women’s Health Resource Center). After six months of trying, 60% of couples will conceive without medical assistance (Infertility As A Covered Benefit, William M. Mercer, 1997).

Infertility is something that no one is ever really prepared for in their lives.  Most have learned what needs to be done to prevent pregnancy, but there is very little readily available information about difficulty getting pregnant or difficulty sustaining pregnancy to term.  One of the most helpful websites I have found for learning about infertility is Resolve.org.  If you are concerned that you may have undiagnosed infertility, you can use their Personal Assessment Tool.  If you have already been diagnosed with infertility, you can learn more through Infertility 101. 

How would you go about learning if infertility is something that you are experiencing?  The first step would be to talk with your OB/GYN or primary care doctor.  They should be able to provide you with a guideline of what would need to happen before you can be referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).  An RE is a doctor that specializes in treating infertility.

Infertility treatments can be covered by insurance, but are not always, so it is important to know what your coverage happens to be before proceeding.  The following states have mandates in place to make insurance cover infertility treatment: Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York and Rhode Island.

Beyond the actionable considerations for infertility, it is important to consider the emotional impact of this diagnosis. For many individuals, this is a long process with many ups and downs along the way.  It is normal to feel very emotional during this time.  Emotions may also be heightened if one is taking hormonal medications, which are common in most infertility treatments, making managing emotional responses even more difficult.

So, the big question is, how can you and your partner navigate this turbulent time?  Below you will find some suggestions.

1. Openly communicate with your partner.  Don’t expect that your partner will automatically know what you need.  They won’t, no matter how long you have been together.  You don’t know what they need every second of every day and neither do they.  Share with them your thoughts and feelings, as well as any needs that you may have.  If one or the other of you is going through treatment, make sure you are communicating openly with what is happening.  It is vital that you and your partner are on the same page about what you are open to and what is happening.
2. Openly communicate with your medical team.  Don’t be afraid to ask questions and verify information.  This is something they are used to.  It is also important to know what hours your office is open, as they may not be open on weekends.  Leave messages and follow-up, if needed.
3. Take notes.  Taking notes is always helpful when you are in a doctor’s office, but especially when you are doing something brand new.  You may be getting information from your doctor during an appointment, but it is also common for communication to happen over the phone.  There are times when information is coming very quickly and things are changing fast.  Don’t force yourself or your partner to remember all of the information.  You have enough stress, take notes and refer back to them.  Using a calendar is also vital for many people.  Put any medications, treatments, or appointments on a calendar; especially if you can add reminders.  It doesn’t hurt to have this information in multiple places.  This information can be very important to keep somewhere so you can refer to it later in life.
4. Slow and steady.  The whole process of infertility treatment can move much more slowly than many people expect it to.  Many times there is extensive testing that happens prior to any medical interventions for fertility.  Just note that this is a common experience and that patience is required.
5. Find support.  Talk with your partner and decide who you are comfortable talking with and how much you’re both comfortable sharing.  Not everyone is able to be supportive in the ways that you need, so consider if you think someone is capable before you open up to them.  This support doesn’t always come in the most likely places, such as close friends or family.  Sometimes it can come from unexpected areas.  If you or your partner are not comfortable sharing with others in your lives, it may be beneficial to seek out a professional to talk to or find a supportive community online.  You are not alone.
6. Be gentle with yourself.  No one chooses infertility treatments because it’s a fun time.  No one wants this.  You are here and the only way to get to the other side is through it, but it’s important to be gentle with yourself on this journey.  The infertility process can take a toll on our mental, emotional, financial, and physical resources.  Allow yourself to be aware of what you need and to be nice to yourself about it.
7. Find what helps you cope.  What can you think of that makes getting through the day a little easier?  What makes you feel happy?  From the small everyday things to the once in a while things, consider what helps you feel better.  If you feel like you’re not sure where to start, consider looking through the list below for suggestions (Covington & Burns, 2006).  You may choose to do only a few or all of them, it’s up to you and how you feel.

• Listen/watch relaxation videos or audio.  (I recommend Headspace: Unwind Your Mind which is an interactive video on Netflix to start.)
• Take treatment holidays.
• Learn and use self-hypnosis or guided imagery.
• Engage in healthy amounts of exercise and/or massage (as directed by your doctor).
• Eat nutritious and balanced meals.
• Abstain from alcohol, tobacco/vaping, or other recreational drugs.
• Cut down on caffeine.
• Sleep 7-9 hours per night.
• Use relaxation music before or during medical procedures.
• Reduce stressors in other areas, as much as possible.
• Find and engage in activities that you enjoy.
• Seek information on coping with stress from infertility through books, blogs, or other knowledgeable sources.
• Engage in with your spirituality.
• Talk with your support system.
• Go out with loved ones and do something enjoyable.
• Learn and practice meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, or other appropriate relaxation techniques.
• Do some yoga.
• Do something or watch something that makes you laugh.  Laughter is good for you.
• Spend time with your pet or with animals.
• Spend time in nature (gardening, hiking, visiting a park).
• Volunteer somewhere that is meaningful to you and that you will have time to engage with.
• Do something for yourself every day.
• Take frequent days/weekends to relax and enjoy life and your partner.
• Create a budget for finances, as this can help from feeling overwhelmed financially.
• Notice how your body reacts to stress and find what works for reducing that stress.
• Accept that there are some things that you cannot control.  You are only human and you can only do so much.  The rest is out of your hands.

References:
The list above has been edited for clarification and brevity. It is originally sourced from Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians, Second Edition, by Sharon N. Covington & Linda Hammer Burns, found on page 187.