The Benefits of Boundaries

The Benefits of Boundaries

Written by Anna Perkowski, MSW, LCSW

The concept of boundaries has seemed to take off in the social media realm and in therapy offices alike. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a boundary as “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.”  Boundaries apply to things like property lines and city limits, and they also apply to both intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships. Boundaries are an opportunity to determine how and when we will utilize our innate and external resources such as emotional capacity, verbal and non verbal communication, time, and money, to name a few things, when we relate to ourselves and other people in our lives, for the purpose of creating and maintaining safe and satisfying relationships. 

As a recovering people pleaser, I can attest that setting healthy boundaries is hard, but it’s not selfish. The furthest thing could be from the truth - boundaries are actually kind. Merriam-Webster defines kind as being “of a sympathetic or helpful nature.” Boundaries are also helpful. Here’s an exercise: Consider someone you personally know who you would describe as having healthy boundaries, and as being kind and helpful - ask them if they believe it is selfish to have and maintain boundaries. 

In regard to continuing to unlearn some misconceptions about boundaries, I like to envision them as a “gate” instead of a “fence.” This means that there is a pathway, an opportunity for the boundary to be responsive, to allow others in and out when appropriate, but it does not mean shutting the world out forever. A barrier I’ve also noticed for so many individuals in setting healthy boundaries is the fear of coming across as “mean” or “selfish.” This fear of negative perception maintains the boundaryless behavioral pattern until it’s no longer sustainable. What usually happens over time is that resentment will set in and all of a sudden, it’s “boundaries for everyone!” as an attempt to regain some peace. The only problem with this is that when boundaries are coming from a place of burnout and resentment, and it becomes tempting to isolate, they’re usually less effective.

However, regardless if someone is setting a boundary proactively or somewhat reactively, they are still so important to have. Without them, we risk enabling poor behavior in ourselves and in others. 

Here are some signs and questions to ask to determine if boundaries are needed with self or others:

• Becoming aware of feelings that may point to a need for boundaries: irritability, frustration, tiredness, stress, bitterness, resentment
• Becoming curious if the feelings are chronic or sudden. If chronic, boundaries are necessary

I hope you’re now wondering how to get ahead of burnout and resentment, and how to learn to set boundaries from a place of health and peace. One of my favorite ideas to think on is that instead of being responsible for other grown people, we are instead responsible to them; to do no harm. This distinction can help shift away from the tendency to engage in people-pleasing tendencies at the expense of one’s own needs and desires. 

How to set and communicate boundaries:

• Pick an area of life where having a boundary would be helpful - ex: work, school, marriage, dating relationship, friendship, relationship with a parent, relationship with a child, with yourself 
• Identify the need the boundary will address - ex: need for more support, less micromanagement, more help with the chores or the kids, more time together, less time together, more privacy, more independence
• Pick a date and time to have this conversation, or time of reflection if with yourself
• Communicate in a calm, respectful, and firm tone

Lastly, I want to expand a bit more on this idea of having healthy boundaries with ourselves. The relationship we have with ourselves is one of the most, if not the most, important relationship we have, and yet I find this to be an area that often gets overlooked. Some examples of this could be forgetting to eat or sleep well, not advocating for what we need in our homes or relationships or workplaces, not doing what we say we will do, etc.

Here are some examples of boundaries that someone can have with themselves:

• Fill your car w/ gas the night before instead of rushing in the morning the next day
• Pack a lunch for the day instead of wasting that time checking social media
• Limit social media consumption and comparison
• Listen to your body: take a nap if you’re physically tired
• Listen to your body: go outside/sit/walk in nature if you’re mentally tired
• Be mindful of spending habits/start a budget
• Regularly do something for the sake of fun

If you are interested in counseling, call OakHeart at 630-570-0050 or 779-201-6440 or email us at [email protected]. We have counselors, psychologists, and social workers available to help you at one of our locations in North Aurora, IL, Sycamore, IL, and/or via Telehealth Online Therapy Services serving Kane County, DeKalb County, Dupage County, and beyond.