Not-So-Traditional Holidays and Escape Plans: Holiday Grief Edition

Not-So-Traditional Holidays and Escape Plans: Holiday Grief Edition

Written by Erin Mitchell, MSW, LCSW

For so many people who are grieving, getting from November to January every year seems practically impossible.  People would oftentimes just rather skip the whole thing and hibernate the season away.  The impulse is certainly understandable, since this is a time of year where family and happiness are emphasized everywhere around us.  While it is certainly very difficult and heartbreaking, you can make it through the holidays.

You can find a previous blog with 10 holiday survival tips for grievers here: It's (Not Always) the Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Grieving Through the Holidays 101.  I also wanted to share a beneficial article on ways to honor a loved one during Chanukah, which you can find ​on Aish.com.

This year, I wanted to share some more information on actual ways to plan for the holidays (including escape plans).  These recommendations are just that, only recommendations and may not be right for you or your situation.  Every family tradition is different and has a different importance to them.

To begin, consider what aspects of the holidays seem to be the most difficult.  It is also important to communicate with others in your life about potentially making changes.  While not every loved one’s opinion carries the same weight, it may be a good idea to communicate with children (adult or otherwise) or others who are grieving the loss as well.  It may be beneficial to talk with others about being open to the possibility of changing traditional holiday plans for yourself or your family, that way they are aware and can possibly help you make some decisions about what to do.

There is no rule stating that making a change for this year’s holidays will result in a permanent change.  You can do something different this year and then return to previous traditions next year, it is up to you/your family.  You may decide that you want to make a large change for the holidays, such as going on a vacation to somewhere new and not having your usual holidays at all.  You may choose to keep some elements the same (or feel like you have to) and change others.  It is completely up to you, as there are no right or wrong changes.  The only caution that I have is to use substances in moderation during a time of year where access can be plentiful.  In addition, it can result in increased depression to completely remove yourself from all activities and from your support network.

It may be beneficial to consider all of the tasks that you traditionally do for the holiday season and then decide if these things matter for each area:

• Why that tradition exists or how it began?
• When it is done?
• Where it is done?
• How it is done?
• Who does it or participates?
• If you want to change it?

For example, if you traditionally have hosted a holiday for your family in your home.

• Why did that start?  You liked to host the holiday in the past.
• When?  It was always on Christmas, but your family would be open to moving it to a different day.
• Where?  It took place at your house, but others have hosted in the past.
• How?  It was previously a dinner and then gift-giving with a large number of family members.
• Who?  Immediate and extended family, some family friends invited.
• Change it?  This year, you don’t have the energy to host but you have another family member that is willing to host instead at their home.  Or maybe it can be a very casual gathering at a restaurant earlier in the month.

Some suggestions that others have used in the past to get through the holiday season:

• Going on vacation as a family and getting away from the area completely.
• Putting up a tree with alternative holiday decorations on it (ex. Valentine’s, Halloween).
• Doing very minimal decorations that do not have sentimental value.
• Take any decorations down immediately after an event or the holiday.
• Decorate for winter and not the holiday itself.
• Not listening to holiday music.
• Using headphones while shopping to avoid holiday music.
• Listening to a different variety of holiday music (ex. rock, reggae, jazz).
• Giving only gift cards for the holidays.
• Shop online and have it delivered.
• Sending holiday cards to only a select few people or those who sent one to you.
• If you typically send holiday cards with information about what happened during your year, consider typing up a synopsis of what happened and print it out to add to your card so you don’t have to write about your loss over and over again.
• Maybe your loved one’s favorite food(s) will not be made this year.
• Making only your loved one’s favorite food(s).
• Store bought is fine this year.
• Order groceries or items for pickup to minimize time in the store.
• Choosing not to go to holiday parties this year.
• Letting your loved ones know that your plans will be highly flexible and you may not make it to various activities/holidays.
• Letting your loved ones know that you may leave early.
• Watching a religious service on tv this year.
• Muting holiday commercials or watching a streaming service that does not have them.
• Making a donation in your loved one’s memory.
• Hanging their stocking.
• Not hanging any stockings.
• Leaving an empty chair for your loved one.  You may even choose to have a plate with their favorite foods on it.
• Asking family/friends to share happy memories of prior holidays with the person who is gone.
• Taking part in a local or online memorial service.
• Having a private memorial (small or large) around the holiday for your loved one.
• Lighting a candle for your loved one.
• Making holiday plans with people in your life who are supportive in your grief.
• Making an escape plan for any activity that you plan on attending.

Making an Escape Plan
This is a topic that has been addressed before, so feel free to skip it or skip to the parts that are helpful for you.  If this is a new concept for you, go ahead and keep reading.  An escape plan can be a good idea if you feel worried about “breaking down” or “not being able to handle” something that comes up at a gathering during the holidays.  Even if you feel comfortable being open in your grief, sometimes we just want some alone time.  Creating an escape plan ahead of time can help reduce some of the anxiety you may be feeling about upcoming events.

Some escape plans ideas:

• Take your own transportation to an event.
• Ride with someone else, but make sure that they are willing to help you leave when you are ready…even if that is shortly after you arrive.
• Come up with a code phrase you can use with a friend, family, or partner to allow you to take some time away.
• Think of a quiet spot that you could go in or out of the home/location.
• Excuse yourself to the bathroom.
• Park somewhere you can leave easily and not be stuck waiting for others to move their vehicles.
• Let your host know that you will need to leave early, if you decide to stay longer that will most likely not be an issue.

There are many other suggestions out there with ways on getting through the holiday season and feel free to get creative with what you would like to do.  Not all of these suggestions will work for everyone and that is completely fine.  There is no wrong way to get through this, just know that you will get through.  Be gentle with yourself this year and don’t feel like you “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing something.  Take it day by day and be flexible in your plans.  Not everyone will understand, but they don’t have to because this is your journey through grief.  Do what you can to take care of you during this difficult time.