Fighting Fair

Fighting Fair

Written by Brittany Male, LCSW, CADC

​This is a stressful time for so many of us. Between social distancing, changes at work, a new and unique start to the school year, and the political climate, we’re all navigating through a lot of stressors. The stress that we feel, impacts those around us, including our partners. If you or your partner have been struggling to communicate in a productive way, take a moment to read these tips for fighting fair that you can start practicing today.
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• Identify why you’re upset. Maybe you’ve heard the phrase, “The first step, is admitting you have a problem”, well this tip is similar. You have to be able to identify clearly, why it is you’re upset. It is important to be self-aware regarding what you’re really upset about. If you’re really upset about a cup being left on the counter then fine, but if you’re feeling resentful about not feeling appreciated for the work you do, then that is what the conversation needs to be about. The cup is only acting as a representative of the real issue. If you only bring up the cup to your partner, it has the likelihood of being dismissed as a minor issue.

 

• Focus on one topic at a time. Although it may seem that an argument is an opportune time to bring up the list of other things that have been bothering you--it is important to focus on one topic at a time. If you start to add other things, it can get overwhelming and confusing for the other person as well as yourself. This confusion, can lead to misunderstandings and further frustration with limited ability to resolve anything. 

 

• Be aware of language used. Name calling. put-downs. swearing. These are all elements that do NOT have a place in a fight. Offending the other person will not accomplish the goal to find resolution. It is very hard to move forward in a healthy way once these are used, because the other person may be navigating through additional feelings of hurt as a result. The result may be a shift in focus away from the actual issue. This contributes to a lack of trust and safety and negatively impact the ability for resolution. 

 

• Express feelings in words and take accountability for them. If you have a hard time identifying your emotions or think that you only have three (happy, sad, angry), then it may be time to do some feelings work individually. We have a plethora of emotions and although they generally fall into these three categories (happy, sad, angry), it’s important to be specific about your feelings, in order to find the most effective solution. 

 

• ​Take turns talking. In order for a resolution to be made, you both must be able to share your thoughts and feelings. Remind yourself of your goal. If your goal is to be right instead of to find a resolution, then I would encourage you to evaluate your values within your relationship. If your goal is to find a resolution, then make sure to listen to your partner. It may seem silly, but using a talking stick or object can help in order to take turns talking. Sometimes we need physical reminders because they can help us stay accountable to the goal.

 

• No Stonewalling. If you haven’t heard of stonewalling, it is as it seems...you create a wall between yourself and your partner. This may mean you stop responding if they're talking or you may physically leave the room in the middle of the conflict with no indication of when you’ll return. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that doing this does not help to resolve the conflict. If you’re guilty of stonewalling in difficult conflicts, it may be helpful to begin utilizing timeouts with your partner. They do not involve ghosting your partner, but instead allow you to take a necessary break and return to the conversation at a designated time. 

 

• No yelling. Self disclosure here, I’m loud. I’m Italian and Puerto Rican and I speak passionately. When I’m happy I can get loud, when I’m sad I can get loud, and when I’m angry it is likely that I can get loud. Growing up, my family often dealt with conflict by getting loud. Because of my 'loudness', I try to be aware when I’m becoming loud and ask myself if it’s productive or counterproductive as well as what the comfort level is of those around me. Most of the time, it is counterproductive and leads to more conflict. Because of this, I attempt to avoid resolving conflict by yelling and encourage others to do the same. 

 

• Take a timeout if needed. Using timeouts effectively involves discussing the timeout prior to a conflict. Below are some simple guidelines when discussing timeouts with your partner. 
  • ​Have a signal (verbal or tangible) for the use of a timeout so that both you and your partner can easily recognize that the other person would like or is needing a timeout to be taken.
  • Discuss and agree on situations that may require a timeout.   
  • Clarify what the timeout means. An example may be: We will each get physical space from each other and finish the conversation after 30 minutes. 
  • Confirm a commitment to utilize the timeout as agreed upon.   
  • Define what the purpose of the timeout will be. (self-care, calming, reflection)
  • Revisiting the initial conflict.

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• Attempt to come to a compromise if needed. If I notice that I'm rigid in my way of thinking in an argument I ask myself, where am I willing to compromise? This compromise may look differently for each conflict, but it can be a helpful question to ask yourself in order to find resolution. You can maintain your truth while also compromising. 

I’m hopeful that you are able to utilize these tips the next time you find yourself in a conflict with your partner or anyone in your life. Again, if you’re finding that you need more support, call (630) 570-0050 or email [email protected] to schedule an appointment with one of our clinicians. Relationships can be challenging, especially when there are so many external stressors that are out of our control. The key is knowing that you’re not alone and you can utilize help. 

​You've got this.