Have Healthier Conflicts with a State of the Union Meeting

Have Healthier Conflicts with a State of the Union Meeting

Written By: Erin Blair, MS, LMFT

A key tool in improving communication within a couples relationship is providing opportunities for healthy conflict. In John Gottman’s research examining thousands of couples, he found that some couples were masters at having difficult conversations around issues that distressed them. The common thread was these couples sought to understand and validate their partner before problem-solving the issue. Regardless of whether the couple ultimately found a solution that worked for both parties, the ability to let the other person feel heard and understood was valuable to the relationship’s overall success.

He created a structured conversation for couples nicknamed the “State of the Union" where couples would spend one hour per week discussing difficult topics in a way that allowed both parties to feel understood and valued. When couples followed this structure, they were more likely to have a successful discussion of the issues in their relationship rather than an intense conflict. This is how he suggests conducting your own State of the Union meeting.

The Preparation Stage
​
It’s crucial to find a time where both parties will show up fully present and able to engage with the conversation. Try to find a time that can work on a weekly basis and doesn’t need to be moved from week to week. Remaining consistent is key to making the State of the Union conversations work. Both parties know that it’s a time where they will be heard and they can confront more difficult aspects of the relationship so it’s important to treat that time as sacred.

Before starting, make sure each partner has paper and a pen to take notes while they are being the active listener. You want to find an hour of the day that will be uninterrupted by outside intrusions (no cell phones!) and where your partner has your full attention.

The opening remarks should be focused on what has been going well in the relationship over the past week. Gottman found that 5 positive interactions balanced out every 1 negative interaction within the relationship. So try coming up with 5 examples of positive
things your partner has done for you or the family over the last week. Be as specific as possible! Starting off on a positive note sets the tone for the entire conversation. 

Sometimes couples will come to the meeting with a conflict that occurred earlier in the week that they wish to discuss in greater depth. Otherwise, it’s important to determine what issues are open for discussion so the other partner doesn’t feel blindsided or defensive. Once everyone is on the same page, it’s time to get started!

The Main Discussion

Each partner will get an opportunity as the speaker and the active listener. Typically, the first speaker is the one who is bringing up the issue that needs to be addressed. The speaker’s goal is simply to communicate their emotional experience to the other party. Not to ask for solutions or cast blame but to explain to their partner what it feels like to experience this issue from their perspective. Gottman recommends using a softened start-up which centers “I feel” statements rather than “You did” statements. Here are some examples:

I feel overwhelmed lately by the amount of housework and I really need more support.

I feel so lonely with how little we’ve been spending time together and I need us to prioritize more date nights.

I feel hurt when we end up shouting at each other over money and I want to find a better way to have these discussions.

Focusing on what the experience feels like for the speaker might seem unnatural at first. Most people hear statements like these and immediately jump into problem solving but allowing space for your partner’s discomfort is a key component of emotional validation. The active listener is encouraged to take notes so they can accurately report back what they heard the speaker explaining about their perspective.

Once the speaker has expressed their full experience, the active listener can provide validating responses like these:

I hear you saying how overwhelmed and frustrated you are by the housework. That you don’t feel supported in that area.

What I’m hearing is that you’ve been feeling lonely in our relationship. We haven’t been prioritizing time as a couple and you’d like to have more date nights.

I understand that you’re feeling hurt when we start to yell at each other during money discussions. From your perspective, we need to find a more constructive way to have those conversations.

Notice how none of the validating responses are meant to defend the listening partner or dismiss the speaking partner’s concerns as silly or trivial. Having an emotionally open conversation requires safe and non-judgmental communication. While it might seem like a minor issue to one partner, it has been causing distress for the other and improving the emotional connection requires that level of vulnerability.

The active listener can ask follow up questions like: Did I hear you correctly? Is there more you wanted to share? Have we covered all aspects of the issue? until the speaker agrees that their perspective has been understood. Then it’s time to switch roles.

It’s important to clarify that this is not an opportunity for the active listener to defend themselves or make a case for why they did something that upset the other person. This is simply the listener’s chance to share their own emotional experience with this particular issue. With the speaker now in the active listening role, their job is to take notes to understand their partner’s view of the issue. Responses might look like:

I feel frustrated that the housework has become so overwhelming for you. I’ve noticed we’re fighting a lot more lately and I didn’t know that was the reason. 

I feel helpless and scared when I hear that you’re feeling alone in this relationship and I think I have been letting my work schedule get in the way of our time together.

I feel so angry and stressed when we have conversations about money. I don’t realize how upset I am until I’m already yelling.

Sometimes, the speaker or the listener will start to get emotionally overwhelmed or “flooded” during this process. They might feel guilt and shame coming up when their partner shares what an emotional experience has been like for them. If they feel flooded, it’s important to call a time-out and take a 20 minute break. Allowing 20 minutes of self-regulation (taking a walk, having a snack, watching a funny video) takes both partners out of fight or flight and allows them to continue the conversation in a more calm manner. It also keeps the conversation from escalating into a confrontation.

It’s essential to resume the conversation after 20 minutes. Allowing an opportunity to connect and repair after a setback strengthens the outcome of the conversation. Once both parties have regulated and returned to the conversation, it’s time to ask the same clarifying questions from the new speaker then ensure both parties have been heard and their perspective validated.

Problem Solving and Finding a Compromise

Couples are often surprised that problem solving is so late in the process. Typically, we learn that to make another person feel better we must present them a list of solutions to their problem. But the solution is less important than how the conversation has created a greater sense of unity and connection. When you feel like you’re collaborating with your partner, you’re much more open to finding a compromise that feels good to both sides.

Now that the issue is fully understood, Gottman suggests making a list of areas you can be flexible and areas that are inflexible or non-negotiable. Leading with the areas in which we are willing to accommodate our partner allows them to feel special and important. This might look like:

I am not able to adjust my work schedule during the week but I can dedicate time on Saturdays to tackle some of the weekly housework so it won’t be on your to-do list.

I am able to come home early 2 nights per week so we’re able to have dinner together. Or I can plan some dates for us that work with your travel schedule for work.

We can meet with a financial planner and get a better understanding of our money situation in a neutral setting.

Following this blueprint helps the majority of couples come to a more peaceful agreement however, Gottman considers certain issues “perpetual, unsolvable problems”. While some of these problems may lead to ending the relationship (wanting kids vs wanting to be childfree, wanting to live in Hawaii vs wanting to live in Alaska),Gottman found that master couples were able to offer some flexibility and agree to temporary compromises even if it meant revisiting the issue a short time later and trying again.

After agreeing to a compromise, you’ll want to end the meeting on a high note! Try to name one or two things you’ll do to make the other person’s upcoming week better. Improving your partner’s day-to-day life makes even hard conversations like these feel less intimidating.

Making the State of the Union meeting a regular part of your weekly routine might not prevent every conflict but it’s a productive way to get ahead of challenges and maintain a sense of teamwork when tackling difficult subjects. The more you and your partner are on the same team, the more likely you are to be successful in the long-term.

​If you are interested in counseling, call OakHeart at 630-570-0050 or 779-201-6440 or email us at [email protected]. We have counselors, psychologists, and social workers available to help you at one of our locations in North Aurora, IL, Sycamore, IL, and/or via Telehealth Online Therapy Services serving Kane County, DeKalb County, Dupage County, and beyond.