Coping Vs. Avoiding

9/6/2020

Coping vs. Avoiding

Written by Megan Allegretti

2020 has been a year to remember! Maybe not for the reasons we initially set out to remember - but one we will never forget. Think back to January and what plans or resolutions you had set for yourself. Was learning how to manage when your life gets flipped, turned upside down one of them? I am going to say with confidence that most of us had no idea what this year would look like. So, I wanted to start by congratulating you on doing what you needed to do to get through! The object of this post is not to make us feel bad about what we are doing or not doing, but rather increase our intentionality in the behaviors we are using. By being aware, we can see if we are in fact coping or avoiding a situation, and then observe to see if our actions are serving us well, or maybe not so much.

Coping is a big buzz word currently, particularly in the COVID-19 world of uncertainty. In the context of this article a coping skill will be defined as techniques that an individual applies to manage difficult emotions. Coping is different from avoidance. They look so similar! Both reduce distress, but there is a curtail difference- avoidance does not address why you are feeling the way you are. Instead it pushes the uncomfortable feeling away or deep down. This might be rewarding in the short term, because there is a good chance you will feel better by not engaging in whatever thought or behavior that triggered the distressing emotion. But by not confronting the situation or avoiding it, that emotion will find a way to come back out. Often it will leak out when you are least expecting it.

For all of my metaphor learners out there, this one's for you! Say you have a beach ball and you try to shove it down as far as it can go underwater. You can hold it there for some time but eventually your body gets tired, and it comes shooting out of the water with explosive force. This looks a lot different than holding the beach ball where it is at, instead of shoving it down, and then slowly bringing the ball back to the surface. This way you have more control over when you do want to bring the emotions back up to be addressed. That is the difference between avoiding and coping. The following tips are aimed at helping draw our awareness to our behaviors and choosing them with more intention.

Stop and observe the behavior. This is so much easier said than done, trust me! There are many times when I come up from my phone to learn that 30+ minutes have flown by without even realizing what I was doing. Or start pouring myself another drink without even thinking about why. When you do notice that maybe you are acting on autopilot, it helps to slow down for just a minute and observe what you are engaging in and what purpose it is serving.

Be honest with yourself about the purpose. Is what you are doing helping you or hurting you? Sometimes I will use cleaning as an avoidant behavior. Cleaning! Something that sounds like a good thing, right? It is absolutely healthy to practice disinfecting surfaces, especially in the current age of COVID-19. That said, there are times I will use cleaning as an excuse to avoid something that is distressing, like answering work emails, or paying my bills. The difference is the intentionality, am I cleaning for my health, or because I am trying to avoid doing something that I feel an uncomfortable emotion attached to.

Evaluate and see if your behaviors are addressing emotions or buying you time. While listening to the news, do you find yourself searching for anything else to do? Maybe scrolling through your feed, or playing a game or just not listening? This can be a distractor that says I am feeling something upsetting from listening to the news, so I will divert myself until I have woken up to confront what the news is actually saying. Distractors are temporary. Distractors can be amazing when you are looking to buy yourself some time and allow the logic side of your brain to kick in. This type of behavior can help slow down the emotional response of the brain to allow us some perspective from the prefrontal cortex or critical reasoning area of the brain. As helpful as they are, they are not actually addressing what made us have such an emotional response.

If it is a distraction, set yourself a time limit. If you find yourself using distracting behaviors, that is okay! Allow yourself some time and space, if you need it, to help access your logic brain. If you do so, provide yourself with a time limit. I like to set between 15-30 minutes of time to continue to engage in distractions. A word of caution: It is sometimes more difficult to go back and address the situation the more time has passed. If the emotions are not addressed then, your distractor has morphed into avoidance.

If it is avoidance, look and see what other options you have. If you find yourself not addressing what is creating the distressing emotion, look and see what else you can be engaging in that would be healthier for you. Maybe instead of having another drink, I take the time and write solutions to my anxious thoughts. Or instead of suppressing my hurt feelings to a loved one, use that time to communicate with them and find a solution.

Figure out what coping skills work for you. Some people feel better after talking through a situation or writing it out. While others find solace in movement of their body, like exercise, walking or doing something with their hands, like artwork or crafts. The key is to allow yourself to feel the emotion, as scary as it can be. Only when you truly allow yourself to feel that emotion, can you then confront the afflicting component of it.

Know you do not have to go through anything alone. If you find yourself confronting huge mountains of emotions that appear too overwhelming, it can help to have support on your journey climbing. Social supports are wonderful to have to turn to when you need a little extra encouragement. Counselors can also be added as support, as a nonjudgmental perspective. Speaking for myself, as a counselor who also sees a therapist, there is solace in learning you do not have to walk on your journey alone. If you'd like to talk with one of our providers, call at (630) 570-0050 or email us at [email protected] to schedule an appointment.

We are all doing our best given the current state of our environment. The above tips are designed to help you identify if your difficult emotions are being coped with or not addressed. This is all subjective too! The beauty of human nature is there are many factors that influence our thoughts, emotions and behaviors. The goal is to bring awareness to the unique behaviors being used when our thoughts and emotions are distressing. The practice of using coping skills over avoidance may create some discomfort in the short term but it is allowing you more regulation of your emotions in the long term.

Stay safe, and know you are enough.