The dictionary definition of the word self-love is defined as an appreciation of one's own worth; proper regard for and attention to one's own happiness or well-being. In my professional experience, I have noticed that a lot of individuals worry that loving and having pride in themselves equates to being conceited or narcissistic. 

When working on improving your own self-love, that means working on accepting yourself fully, treating yourself with kindness and respect, and helping facilitate your own growth and wellbeing. It not only encompasses how you treat yourself, but also your own thoughts and feelings about yourself. I have to point out that this does not mean having a 24/7 positive view of self, as that may be unrealistic, but we want to get to a place where we can have a majority of positive views and positive treatment of oneself than not. 

When we are lacking in our own self-love, we often place everything first (i.e., family, friends, community, even career goals) and this is at the expense of our own needs. If this happens then it can manifest into working too hard which can result in burnout and feeling overloaded. It can also cause individual health and wellness issues. Something I have often heard many clients say is, “If my husband/kids/family are happy, or once I reach this career goal, then I will be happy with myself.” You may have even heard yourself say something like, “when I lose X amount of pounds then I will be able to love myself.”  Unfortunately, what can happen is that we work hard to achieve this goal without working at the root of the issue, so when that goal is met, we still are unsatisfied with ourselves because we lack love and compassion for ourselves. 

The importance of self-love is that it is the foundation that allows us to be assertive, set boundaries and create healthy relationships with others, practice self-care, pursue our interests and goals, and ultimately feel proud of who we are. 

The concept of self-love is simple: it means valuing and caring for your own needs, wants, and desires. It isn’t about being selfish. It is ensuring that you are giving yourself the time and space to recharge, set boundaries and advocate for yourself. 

With that said, something I say in just about all my sessions at one point to help a client understand fully, is using this example: When you are on a plane, flight attendants remind us the importance of playing with your own oxygen mask first before helping anyone else. They say this because if you were to skip yourself and help others first, you will likely run out of air. When that happens it becomes harder and potentially impossible to help anyone else, including yourself.

So how do we start to work on and practice self-love? Well we start with baby steps and work from there.  Listed below are some ideas of ways to improve the love for yourself.

For starters working on saying at least one (1) nice thing to yourself daily. I typically have my clients work on identifying three (3) things they did well that day. Work on assertiveness skills, as well as boundary setting. This can look something like saying ‘no’ to others or plans. I think this is a great way to work on respecting and loving yourself more. Additionally this allows the opportunity to only take on things we can handle and reduces the frequency of that feeling of burnout or feeling overloaded.  

For many, they look at self-love as self-care. To practice self-care we need to go to basics and listen to our body, take breaks, and have alone time when needed. Also reconnecting with hobbies and interests. Work on ways to accept your imperfections and live life in accordance with your own personal values and beliefs. Moreover, acknowledge any progress and efforts you have been making. This goes for all areas (i.e., work goals, personal goals, relationship goals, etc.)

I think a good way to end this post is with a quote. When we struggle to love ourselves we often talk down to ourselves in a degrading manner. When we love someone, yourself included, we never talk to them in a shameful or humiliating way, so work to treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others and the way you treat your loved ones. 

Muscle Dysmorphia (MD) is a subtype of body dysmorphic disorder that primarily affects men. It is characterized by excessive concern that one’s body is too small and not muscular enough. While MD has some overlap with eating disorders, it is not considered an eating disorder. Individuals with MD may engage in strict eating habits, such as repeatedly counting calories or attempting to establish the perfect balance of carbohydrates, proteins and vitamins in their diets. However, the aim is to bulk up and appear more masculine as opposed to concerns with weight loss as seen in individuals with eating disorders. Additionally, not all individuals with MD have disordered eating (International OCD Foundation).

Compulsive behaviors in those with MD often include camouflaging such as wearing extra layers of clothing to appear larger or baggier clothes to hide a frame that is perceived as too small. It is also common for individuals to engage in excessive weight-lifting, often for several hours a day. Excessively checking mirrors or avoiding them are typical behaviors in MD. Often, social situations where one’s body will be on display, such as beaches or pools, are avoided. As with other forms of body dysmorphic disorder, MD can lead to missing school, work, discontinuation of athletics, or becoming housebound. Some individuals also use anabolic steroids or other performance-enhancing drugs (Phillips, 2005). 

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is considered an effective treatment for muscle dysmorphia. Similar to treatment for other forms of BDD, treatment goals for muscle dysmorphia would include providing psychoeducation, cognitive restructuring, exposure and response prevention, and regular completion of homework assignments. 

Psychoeducation for muscle dysmorphia would include information on how media and culture influences body image. Strategies for promoting long-term health would also be discussed. This includes helping the client develop realistic expectations regarding nutrition goals and exercise. Cognitive restructuring for MD would involve working with the client to develop more helpful, accurate beliefs about body size and shape. Additionally, it would target unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and behaviors related to altering body shape and weight (Wilhelm, et. al 2013). Exposure and Response Prevention is another important part of treatment. As with BDD, exposures would target situations the client is avoiding such as school, work, or other valued activities. Response prevention would assist the client with identifying all compulsive behaviors related to weight, shape, or muscularity concerns. As previously mentioned, common compulsions may include mirror-checking, comparing, frequent weighting, wearing many layers of clothing to appear bigger, and following an excessive exercise regimen. The therapist and client would develop a plan to help the client stop the compulsions (Wilhelm, et. al 2013). The client would be expected to complete weekly homework assignments associated with these treatment goals.

While much research is needed in the areas of BDD and MD, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has been shown to be an effective treatment. The references listed below are helpful resources to gain more information on these disorders and on effective treatment. 

If you are interested in counseling, call OakHeart at 630-570-0050 or 779-201-6440 or email us at [email protected]. We have counselors, psychologists, and social workers available to help you at one of our locations in North Aurora, IL, Sycamore, IL, and/or via Telehealth Online Therapy Services serving Kane County, DeKalb County, Dupage County, and beyond.

​References:

International OCD Foundation (n.d.). Subtypes of BDD. 

Phillips, K.A. (2005). The broken mirror. Understanding and treating body dysmorphic disorder. Oxford University Press.

Wilhelm, S., Phillips, K.A., & Stekette, G. (2013). Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. The Guilford Press.

If you find that you're often putting yourself last in order of priority, then some lessons in self-nurturing may be helpful. Since we often give every last bit of our energy and time to our families, jobs, and daily responsibilities…nurturing ourselves becomes even more of a priority. 

Why is self-nurturing important? That’s a great question! As popular as the term “self-care” has become, too many of us still tend to forget ourselves in favor of others. Yet, ironically, the more we neglect our own needs, the less able we are to care for our family, our friends, our volunteer causes, and other important areas in life. 

Let’s remember what the word “nurture” actually means. Originally, it meant “to feed or nourish,” and I believe that can be interpreted both literally and figuratively. 

You can self-nurture quite literally through the food you eat, but there are so many self-nurturing activities that go far beyond that physical meaning. You can feed your soul by doing the things you love, spending time with people you love, and getting the rest your body needs. 

If you’re still struggling with the concept of self nurture, think about this. If you’re constantly running on empty, you’re more likely to be impatient with your families or to miss an important deadline at work. 

Self-nurturing can take a lot or a little bit of time, but all of us need it! Why not think about some of the activities you find refreshing or encouraging, and try to incorporate them into your life today? Here are a few steps you can take to start practicing self-care today: 
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1. Identify your feelings. If this is difficult, pay attention to your inner dialogue. Notice your thoughts. Do they express worry, judgment, despair, resentment, envy, hurt, or wishing? Notice your moods. Are you irritable, anxious, or blue? Try to name the specific feeling. (“Upset” isn’t a specific feeling.) Do this several times a day to increase your feeling recognition. You can find lists of hundreds of feelings online. 
2. Honor your feelings. When you have uncomfortable feelings, put your hand on your chest, and say aloud, “You’re (or I’m) ____.” (e.g., angry, sad, afraid, lonely). This signifies acceptance of your feelings.
3. Uncover the cause. Think and/or write about the cause or what triggered your feeling. 
4. Meet your needs. Once you discover the cause, think about what you need that will make you feel better. Meeting your needs is good self-parenting. 
5. Express your feelings. Journaling about your feelings has been shown to alleviate depression and increase your self-knowledge. If you’re anxious, practice yoga or martial arts, meditation, or simple breathing exercises. Slowing your breath slows your brain and calms your nervous system. Exhale 10 times making a hissing (“sss”) sound with your tongue behind your teeth. When you’re angry, do something active to release your emotions. 
6. Giving yourself comfort. Write a supportive letter to yourself, expressing what an ideal parent would say. Have a warm drink. Studies show this actually elevates your mood. Swaddle your body in a blanket or sheet like a baby. This is soothing and comforting to your body. 
7. Find pleasure. Read or watch comedy, look at beauty, walk in nature, sing or dance, create something, or stroke your skin. Pleasure releases chemicals in the brain that counterbalance pain, stress, and negative emotions. Discover what pleasures you.
8. Play. Adults also need to play. This means doing something purposeless that fully engages you and is enjoyable for its own sake. The more active the better, i.e., play with your dog vs. walking him, sing or collect seashells vs. watching television. Play brings you into the pleasure of the moment. Doing something creative is a great way to play, but be cautious not to judge yourself. Remember the goal is enjoyment–not the finished product. 
9. Coach yourself. Practice complimenting and encouraging yourself – especially when you don’t think you’re doing enough. Notice self-judgment for what it is, and be a positive coach. Remind yourself of what you have done and allow yourself time to rest and rejuvenate. 
10. Forgive yourself. Healthy parents don’t punish children for mistakes or constantly remind them of what they are doing wrong…and they definitely don’t punish willful wrongs repeatedly. Instead, learn from mistakes and make amends when necessary.
11. Keep commitments. Honor commitments to yourself as you would anyone else. When you don’t, you’re in effect abandoning yourself. Imagine how it feels to have someone repeatedly break promises to you. Love yourself by demonstrating that you’re important enough to keep commitments to yourself. 
12. Listen to a self-love guided meditation regularly. It will give you words of kindness and acceptance to say to yourself.

If you are interested in counseling, call OakHeart at 630-570-0050 or 779-201-6440 or email us at [email protected]. We have counselors, psychologists, and social workers available to help you at one of our locations in North Aurora, IL, Sycamore, IL, and/or via Telehealth Online Therapy Services serving Kane County, DeKalb County, Dupage County, and beyond.